I'm just so tired of battling with myself. What am I doing? Where am I supposed to be going? Am I doing the right thing? I feel so unhappy with where I am with my life. I'm torn between who I am and who I want to be. I feel like I'm trapped, I feel like my inner potential is being smothered; like it can't come out. The place I live in; there is no room to grow, no hope for achieving something greater.
When I was in high school, I had such high aspirations to go to art school. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that my dreams were going to come true. But, those dreams were shut down when my family told me how pointless it was; how I needed to get a "real" job, a practical one. When my intentions were shut down, that's when I became lost. I'm still lost, to this day. I'm going to a school I don't want to go to, for something I don't want to, living in a place that I don't want to.
I see all these other students that graduated with me, who were whisked away to the colleges of their dreams; fulfilling their dreams and to be honest, it makes me jealous. It breaks my heart; because I could be like them. I could have gone to the school of my dreams to fulfill my dreams. But that opportunity is long gone. It's gone; now I'm here, 20 years old and flipping pancakes in a coffee shop not doing a damn thing with my life.
Now I have all these other bills I have to worry about and a full time job; I won't be able to drop everything and go to a real college. I won't ever have that opportunity again. It breaks my heart, truly because all I really want to do is go to college. I won't ever be able to afford it, my parents won't help me with it. I would never be able to leave my boyfriend behind and I know he won't come with me. I'm just stuck.
All I really want to do is move away from this place and make something of myself. I have something to prove and it's burning deep inside of me. When I was growing up, experiencing all the bullying and abuse I did; art was there for me. Art has always been there for me. It's my passion and your passion leads you to your purpose. I want to go out and make an art career for myself because I have people I need to prove wrong.
I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. I feel like my life is already over. I wake up, go to work, come home, eat, go to sleep, repeat. I don't want my life to be like this. I want so much more out of life. I want to feel like I'm living my life to the fullest; I don't want to feel like every beat of my heart is in vain.
This is eating away at me; it's breaking my heart and it's hurting my soul. I don't know what to do.